by Candace Hawkins
If you’ve ever lost a loved one, the holidays can be a difficult time. The holiday season starts for me in October and goes through January and throughout these months are special, significant, and sensitive dates in my life. My Godfather was born on September 20th. My Dad was born on October 2nd. These dates mark the beginning of fall with leaves changing colors and days getting shorter. It is a time where we naturally slow down and prepare to hibernate for the winter.
As the cold becomes steady and we are preparing for family Thanksgiving time–I remember my father. My Dad transitioned on November 4th and my Godmother transitioned a year later on the same date. As we head towards the New Year, I begin to mourn for my Mother and Godfather that transitioned— she went home on January 20th, and he followed on January 29th.
During the holiday season, there are also dates of love and life — my parents were married on November 12th (they were married for over 60 years!) Two special women in my life were born bringing their beauty in this world — my mom was born on December 12th and my Godmother was born on January 26th.
You may have special family dates like this too. Or maybe, just being without your loved ones during the holidays is hard. I know the feeling. While the seasons change, we also go through our own changes.
The holiday season always kicked off in October for my family with a birthday celebration with my Dad. For his 85th birthday, I was able to surprise him with a luncheon at a golf club with a cake almost as big as him.
Since his transition—it’s memories like this that run through my mind during the holidays. And if you’ve ever lost a loved one, family memories may run through your mind too. Sometimes, it can bring smiles, and other times it can bring tears.
So, how do we cope when the holidays come around?
Honor their memory
For me, honoring the memory of my loved ones helps me to cope with the grief. I continue to honor my father daily by being the woman he raised me to be.
Also, you can cope by creating sentimental items that honor your loved ones. I had my father’s signature pinky rings sized to fit my fingers and I wear those along with my mom’s wedding rings on those special days. They were married for 63 years before she passed!
Celebrating my father’s birthday.
I also had one of my father’s rings melted down and made into an anchor because not only was an avid boater most of my life with three boats named after me and my mama, he was also and always will be my anchor in any storm. Seeing the anchor makes me feel closer to them. Knowing that I am connected to something that they once wore helps me feel closer to them almost as if I can feel their energy.
My anchor necklace.
A few years ago, I was planning to get one last tattoo of my mom’s original signature then my father transitioned right before I got it so, I decided to get a tattoo to represent both of them.
My arm tattoo to honor the life of my mother and father.
I put the tattoo in an uncommon place on my body, so that it would make me have to search to see it depending on my mood that day. I chose to put my two lifelines and forever heartbeats on the inner part of my left arm, where my father and mother will forever be connected. Whenever I catch a glimpse of it or someone asks what it is, it makes me smile.
Create new holiday routines
If you’re like me, you miss the holiday routines that you had with your loved ones. Thanksgiving dinner was usually at my family’s house. Christmas dinner was at my mom’s sister’s house and New Year’s was at my Dad’s sister’s house.
So, now I have new places where I can feel family, love, and connection. One year, I spent Christmas with a friend who’s sons were with their Dad for the holiday.
I house hop for brunch, lunch and dinner with different friends and leave some time with my family as well. I am intentional about filling up my day with peace and positivity because it is hard. Isolation is never good. You should take time to reflect and quiet time with the memories but not so much that the sadness overtakes you. Go out and enjoy, live for your loved ones!
Last year, I struggled with finding joy during the holiday season. I did not feel like putting up a live tree on Christmas Eve like we did for our family tradition. I pushed myself to do something even if not what we used to do!
I pulled out my decorations and dusted off some of my mother’s tabletop decorations and “doo dads” as she used to call them. Just that one simple change to my holiday routine made the holidays more bearable.
Be around supportive people and be compassionate with yourself
Connect with people where constantly explaining your need to cope with grief is not needed. They understand. They may not always ask you, “are you okay?” but, they can feel what you need and help comfort you. Because the truth is no you are not fully okay and that is okay. It is okay to feel grief. I may shed a little tear or two. I let in those people who make me feel safe and loved.
My mom at the last birthday party/tea I organized for her.
But most of all, I remember how very blessed I was and am to have known love like this. Towards the end of the holiday season, I say a prayer and raise a glass to ring in the New Year. I feel the moments of joy one day at a time. Eventually, when I look up the holidays are over and February is here, with the promise of spring and renewal.
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